Source: The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
As I mentioned in my previous post, Randy had a lot to say
about teams and communication. He was very methodical in his explanations and
he believed that apologies are often half-hearted and insincere.
Have you ever received a half-hearted or an insincere
apology? Wasn’t it worse than not having received it at all because it was insulting?
Here’s an example: “I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize
to me for what you’ve done.” That’s not giving an apology, it’s asking for one.
Randy says proper apologies have three parts:
1. What
I did was wrong.
2. I
feel badly that I hurt you
3. How
do I make this better?
These three parts of an apology have stayed with me since
the time I first read this book 3-4 years ago. It takes real courage and actual
remorse to complete all these parts.
It occurred to me two days ago that I’ve actually seen this
work first hand and I never acknowledged it before now. In my role at the
complaint department and in my current role as the Field Engineer, I have heard
many woes from customers and physicians about our product. In these situations,
I would apologize on behalf of the company for the negative experience that
they’ve gone through, I let them know that we certainly care about their
problems and that we will do our best to investigate the issue and come up with
a solution. Whether their complaint actually was related to our device or not
did not matter because they were venting about their experience. The
conversations always went a little smoother; they were a little happier and
were definitely still working with the company. I do this daily with strangers
but when it comes to people in my life, it gets trickier. Arguing and winning
in conflict took precedence over the apology and the relationship itself.
Of course sometimes, it’s the fault of both parties and the
recipient owes you an apology but holding on to that expectation in my life
only made me more agitated. Randy says, “If other people owe you an apology and
your words of apology to them are proper and heartfelt, you still may not hear
from them for a while. After all, what are the odds that they get to the right
emotional place to apologize at the exact moment you do?” They may never
apologize but what’s important is your mental peace.
Apologies keep our egos in check and remind us that we are
human and capable of mistakes. It’s not a sign of weakness but that of
strength. Apologizing doesn’t mean you were wrong, it just means you care about
the relationship more than to be right. Communication is key to being a leader.
This brings down the ego barriers and helps you lead by example. When you make
space for open communication, your teammates will follow your lead. Now with
this realization, I will try harder to implement this with people in my life.
Try the three steps. Practice, practice, practice and let me
know what happened.
